Everyone else can do this – why can’t I?

I promise, you’re not the only one struggling with this.

It’s just food.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks.

How hard can it be?

I mean, everybody else manages to feed themselves (and their kids!) every day, right?

So why am I sitting here, staring at my Instacart app like it’s a math test I forgot to study for – on the verge of tears because I don’t know what to make for dinner?

It’s easy to assume that this is just a personal failing. Like everybody else has the “how to be an adult” handbook and your copy somehow got lost in the mail.

We assume these are “basic adult tasks” that everybody else has figured out. And we feel like we are somehow uniquely, irreparably broken because they feel so hard to us.

But there are research-based, psychological explanations for these shame spirals.

My fridge has never looked like this. Photo by Ello on Unsplash

Early in life, we develop core beliefs about ourselves called schemas (pronounced “skeemas”). This is just our brain figuring out how our world works – and how to keep ourselves safe within it.¹

But sometimes, these schemas are maladaptive. Maladaptive schemas are deeply ingrained, negative beliefs that cause harm and dysfunction.

Research on ADHD and maladaptive schemas shows:

• ADHD adults report stronger, more intense maladaptive schemas than their non-ADHD peers.²

• Some of the most common and intense maladaptive schemas among ADHD adults include:

  • “I’m a failure” – everyone else is better at this

  • “I’m bad” – and if I just do everything perfectly, no one will find out how bad I am

  • “I’m out of control” – I’ll never be able to accomplish anything

  • “I don’t belong” – I’ll never fit in anywhere

• More severe ADHD symptoms are linked to stronger maladaptive schemas.³

• Early diagnosis and treatment in childhood leads to fewer maladaptive schemas in adolescence (and presumably adulthood, but we don’t have research on that yet)⁴

The truth is, a lot of “basic” everyday tasks are hard.

Designing a meal plan every week, doing all the shopping, and actually COOKING it all? That requires a significant amount of mental energy for anyone – especially ADHD brains.

But, despite the fact that these are normal, common challenges, our maladaptive schemas are quick to tell us: “something must be wrong with you.”

I know how loud those inner voices can get. How painful it is to feel like you must be broken. How easy it is to forget that what you’re experiencing is normal – and not a reflection of your worth.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. You’re facing objectively difficult challenges in a system that isn’t designed around your unique brain.

This isn’t about ability – you are a smart and capable person. This is about putting the right supports in place.

Next time you’re beating yourself up for struggling with an “easy” task, try this thought exercise:

1. What negative core beliefs (“maladaptive schemas”) are getting triggered here?

2. Imagine an alternate reality where you had a different belief — one that was kind to yourself.

“I’m a failure” → “I’ve had many successes, and I’m learning how to support my unique brain.”

“I can’t do anything right. → “I do lots of things right, and mistakes are human.”

“There’s something wrong with me.” → “No one is perfect, and my messy, imperfect self is a pretty cool person.”

3. How would this alternate you describe your current situation? (This isn’t about toxic positivity or faking it — it’s just about allowing your brain to temporarily try out a different perspective.)

4. Notice if anything shifts (even slightly) when you try out an alternate belief.

What are some “easy” things that don’t feel easy for you? (Meal planning, laundry, and making the living room less of a disaster are up there for me.) I’d love to hear about your experience.

Warmly,

Taylor

P.S. I really love The ACT Workbook for Depression and Shame as a resource for working with deeply ingrained, negative core beliefs. It’s not ADHD specific, but I think it’s excellent for working with the kinds of maladaptive schemas that come up alongside ADHD. If you check it out, let me know what you think!

1. Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2006). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide.

2. Kiraz, S., & Sertçelik, S. (2021). Adult attention deficit hyperactıvıty disorder and early maladaptive schemas. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 28(5), 1055–1064. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2569

Philipsen, A., Lam, A. P., Breit, S., Lücke, C., Müller, H. H., & Matthies, S. (2017). Early maladaptive schemas in adult patients with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorders, 9(2), 101–111. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12402-016-0211-8

3. Pan, M.-R., Zhang, S.-Y., Chen, C.-L., Qiu, S.-W., Liu, L., Li, H.-M., Zhao, M.-J., Dong, M., Si, F.-F., Wang, Y.-F., & Qian, Q.-J. (2023). Bidirectional associations between maladaptive cognitions and emotional symptoms, and their mediating role on the quality of life in adults with ADHD: a mediation model. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 14, 1200522. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1200522

4. Sireli, O., Colak, M., Demirci, T. H., Savascihabes, A. E., & Oz Cinar, H. (2024). Early maladaptive schemas in adolescents with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15, 1455897. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1455897